Daniel B. Silver
The Olympics Are Over, But I Still Have Complaints
Dear Readers, the celebrated world tradition of athleticism and camaraderie, that heralded event of such scale and magnitude that it can only be organized to occur once every four years – well, two if you count the Winter Games, which most don’t as they are exclusively comprised of sports played/done by white people who aren’t exactly in any danger of starving to death. I mean, how many champion skiers do you know who were once child soldiers in some third-world wasteland? Exactly. None. That’s how many. That goofball Johnny Mosley grew up in Tiburon where the median income is that of most small countries and it doesn’t even snow there.
So, yeah, the London 2012 Olympic Games are all wrapped up. The biggest, richest countries led the medal counts. But there were a few underdog stories, as there always are. People shook hands, people who otherwise would never have any interaction with one another. Hearts were warmed. Souvenirs and hotel rooms were sold. More than one female gymnast had her hymen abruptly shattered by Kobe Bryant. All was well.
Now, I would be lying were I to say that I didn’t enjoy watching the Olympic Games. There are events that one doesn’t really ever get to see except for in the Olympics. Some of these sports have admittedly limited mass appeal but are none the less fine examples of a range of athleticism (track and field). Some I like because I have done them before (judo). And some are, frankly, completely idiotic and have zero business being in the Olympics. Therefore, I shall now give a rundown of all the Olympic sports I would promptly remove from the mo-fo’ were I the Supreme Sports Commander.
- Water polo: Swimming is boring enough, but at least the races only last about a minute for the most part and have a scoring system everyone can understand – the dude or chick that touches the wall first wins. Once every four years is plenty to see swimming on TV. However water polo combines all the speed of swimming (which is about walking speed) with the visuals of a bunch of sugar-addled ten year olds playing Marco-Polo. As a matter of fact, Marco-Polo is about one hundred times more entertaining to watch than water polo. Until a shark is involved, water polo will always be the most boring of team sports.
- Shooting: Fat people, who are not freakishly strong and able to throw a shot-put or the like, should not be allowed to get the same kind of medal as the dude/chick who wins the decathlon. At least archery has some sort of physical component, in that one has to pull one’s left or right arm back about a foot. But even then, archery is totally borderline and only allowed to stay because it has some history behind it. Ten meter air pistol and shooting skeet has as much relevance in sport as getting really good at knocking the clowns down with a softball at the county fair. If there is shooting, then there should be bowling. If shooting stays, the winners get stuffed animals, not freaking medals. During the ceremony, they can only hear Jethro Tull or the Fart Song from the Terrance and PhillipMovie. No anthems.
- Basketball: What a complete scam this is. You cannot tell me it was Norway’s idea that basketball be included in the Olympics. Didn’t there used to be some sort of prohibition about professional athletes competing in the Olympics? Was that lifted solely so the millionaires of the NBA could lay waste to screaming legions of foreign vagina as well as that in the USA? People laughed in the NFL commissioner’s face when he suggested this year that football be in the Olympics. Do those same people watch different incarnations of the “Dream Team” bring their obvious C-game to a match with North Korea and just bite their nails until the final buzzer?
- Beach volleyball: If we have beach volleyball in the Olympics then by that same logic we have to have rollerblading in addition to ice skating. Beach volleyball is the recreational equivalent of surfing, skimboarding and/or ultimate Frisbee. All are generally done by people who are stoned and/or drinking. I don’t dispute that it is hard to do. I do dispute that it has any business being on the world sports stage. Beach volleyball is a novelty. Yes, I know the girls wear bikinis, but can see that on any other channel. And we have internet porn now, so there’s no shortage of scantily clad women in our lives. Also, the little hot-pants the women wear in normal volleyball are just as sexy. Plus they wear those high socks. Totally makes my wiener all tingly.
- Handball: Nobody knows what the crap handball is. We all think it is what we played in grade school but apparently it isn’t. It isn’t even the handball played with a Spauldeen and padded gloves, like racquetball without the racquets. Out with the handball; in with the dodgeball. At least that is fun to watch and more than one person in every country has played it.
- Lacrosse: Yes, I’m aware that this sport isn’t even in the Olympics. Let’s keep it that way. Or, put it in the Winter Olympics with all the other Ivy League, rich, white folk events.
- Anything in a velodrome. Velodrome events are to cycling as NASCAR is to driving 95 Toyota Tercels in a big oval. Velodrome is like roller derby with fewer chubby chicks that have significant drinking problems and bad tattoos.
- Marathon: Okay, I’m not saying we should end the Olympic marathon. But can we stop pretending that this is a healthy activity for one to undertake? Beer pong is probably better for the human body and nobody pretends that is a good thing for our kids to start doing.
- Tae Kwon Do: I’m going to say this once, and I really want all you deluded martial arts fans to listen: Tae Kwon Do is not fighting. It is not an effective form of self-defense. It is not entertaining to watch, nor can any Tae Kwon Do black belts last more than the time it takes the bell to stop reverberating in a MMA fight. You don’t stand in front of your opponent and bounce up and down with your hands by your sides and try to kick the person in the chest or head. None of that is a good idea. If you don’t believe me, we will go to a park some day and you can try that crap in front of me.
- Olympic weightlifting: While an incredibly challenging activity and one I enjoy watching, 115 pound people cannot lift 300 pounds above their heads without the use of massive amounts of anabolic steroids. And if you think that they can, you are clearly an Olympic lifter who uses massive amounts of anabolic steroids.
- Anything with a horse. Rich people get EVERYTHING ELSE in the world. They shouldn’t get the smug satisfaction of being able to drink champagne and watch Muffy make her mare dance to chamber music followed by a medal ceremony. Bull riding is 100 times more athletically challenging than any Olympic horse event. If rodeo events, or even horse racing, are not in the Olympics, why do we let privileged fruitcakes in red coats pollute the Olympics with their polite waves to the ruling class?
Or we could just move Dressage to the Winter Games also. Then at least the horses would slip and those rich fuckers would fall down now and then.